First some cases
I had been thinking about writing about this for a while, but due to work I have not had the time to do it, until now, that is. I got to Nigeria to learn that a friend who got married and whose wife gave birth while I was away was a wife beater. I was really scandalized because I could not understand what could make a man beat up his wife, especially up to the point that she is bed-ridden. Another friend told me that one of our mutual (female) friends who slept at the couple’s house during one of those nights told him of the issue. She – our mutual friend – was begged by the wife beater not to tell any of us about the situation. Of course, it was the devil’s work, abi? Because of this, my friend, who was told of the situation, could not call the wife beater to order, because this would jeopardize the friendship between our mutual friend and the wife beater. Yea, you could wonder how important a friendship with a wife beater could be but, like the case always is, it is complicated.
Shortly after I heard about this I visited and stayed with one of my friends. He and his girlfriend were living together. While I was there they had a bad quarrel that did not result in any kind of physical assault – I am grateful for that because I don’t know what I could have done if it had – but the girl packed up her things to leave my friend’s house. I tried to be a good friend to both of them and tried to help settle the issue. My friend’s girlfriend called me aside and told me that my friend had beaten her a couple of times. She had not told any of his friends about this. At that point I stopped any attempt to reconcile the two of them because I thought that it was probably good that she was leaving anyway. I went to my friend to ask about this and he told me that they had a fight. Later, he admitted that he did beat her. I told him that I was happy the girl was leaving. About a week later, I learnt that she had moved back in with him. The only thing I could do was to tell him that if I ever heard that he beat her I would personally attend to the situation. But that is assuming that the girlfriend tells me about it.
Quite common
I really had no idea that wife bashing was that common until I talked about this with a female friend who told me that it was very common, even on university campuses. See, I grew up in a family where the mother was very independent. She, to a certain extent, did not give any of her children the impression that women were meant to depend on men, financially and otherwise. I simply cannot imagine what would happen if my father ever tried to beat my mother… I really find it unimaginable. So, for me, it was especially scandalous to learn that my friends were actually beating their women. I still am trying to wrap my mind around the idea, and I am not doing a very good job of it at the moment.
Certain things are worse than, or at least are as bad as, sleeping with other women
This is not, in any way, to justify cheating; it is mainly to expand the meaning of the term. I, along with my closest friend, am adding to the ‘cheating’ list 1. deprivation of ones family of ones income (formally know as squandering ones salary on drinking and, yes, on ‘carrying’ women), this especially in, but certainly not limited to, situations where the woman does not have an employment, or earns much less than the man. In situations where the woman also has an income as good as, or even better than, the man’s the man still owes it as a duty to the family to pool resources towards acquiring, and maintaining, mutual belongings (ha… I should have studied law!)…
and 2. beating up ones wife.
Nigeria is currently legislating against some kinds of dressing. The major sponsor of the bill has said that ‘indecent’ dressing contributes to incidences of rape, pitching the responsibility in cases of rape at the doorstep of the victim. I am wondering whether she might add wife beating to the effects of ‘indecent’ dressing. Yes, the last statement sounds absurd, but just as much so as the assertion that ‘indecent’ dressing leads to rape. A country that recently criminalized homosexuality is not creating an environment in which women can safely seek redress in cases where they are mistreated by their men. These things just lead one to ask exactly how the representatives of Nigerians perceive women, who are at least half of the people they represent. But then, what does one expect from a country in which a former president has been publicly accused by his son of sleeping with his (former president’s) daughter-in-law?
I thought this was a great piece, Loomnie. Impressive writing!
I thought this was a great piece, Loomnie. Impressive writing!
🙁
🙁
Why do men feel they need to beat on a woman to be whole? I can’t stand it when a man lays his hand on a woman. In fact to me it is a sign of weakness on his part and an inability to control his temper. On the flip side I don’t understand why a woman who is being abused finds it so difficult to walk away from the horrible situation. Sometimes I feel they enjoy the abuse. Whatever it is, abusing women remains an age old disease that doesn’t want to go away, sad but the truth.
About the Senator that is pushing for the indecent dressing bill, it is obvious she and all of our leaders have misplaced priorities and need serious help if they think indecent dressing is our priority given the status quo in Nigeria.
Why do men feel they need to beat on a woman to be whole? I can’t stand it when a man lays his hand on a woman. In fact to me it is a sign of weakness on his part and an inability to control his temper. On the flip side I don’t understand why a woman who is being abused finds it so difficult to walk away from the horrible situation. Sometimes I feel they enjoy the abuse. Whatever it is, abusing women remains an age old disease that doesn’t want to go away, sad but the truth.
About the Senator that is pushing for the indecent dressing bill, it is obvious she and all of our leaders have misplaced priorities and need serious help if they think indecent dressing is our priority given the status quo in Nigeria.
I haven’t visited in a while – now I remember where I’d read so much about “ASA” – still haven’t listened to the music yet.
On our society’s issues: There is a whole “food chain” for people beating up people in Naija. Lucky that you didn’t live with this. Me I know it’s crap, and I wish other people just said “this is crap” too, but they really think it’s a little funny. I’m with you sha, you know that.
I haven’t visited in a while – now I remember where I’d read so much about “ASA” – still haven’t listened to the music yet.
On our society’s issues: There is a whole “food chain” for people beating up people in Naija. Lucky that you didn’t live with this. Me I know it’s crap, and I wish other people just said “this is crap” too, but they really think it’s a little funny. I’m with you sha, you know that.
I haven’t visited your blog in a while – now I remember where I’d read so much about “ASA” – still haven’t listened to the music yet.
On our society’s issues: There is a whole “food chain” for people beating up people in Naija. Lucky that you didn’t live with this. Me I know it’s crap, and I wish other people just said “this is crap” too, but they really think it’s a little funny. I’m with you sha, you know that.
I haven’t visited your blog in a while – now I remember where I’d read so much about “ASA” – still haven’t listened to the music yet.
On our society’s issues: There is a whole “food chain” for people beating up people in Naija. Lucky that you didn’t live with this. Me I know it’s crap, and I wish other people just said “this is crap” too, but they really think it’s a little funny. I’m with you sha, you know that.
Violence against women and children is an issue that we are yet to truly address as a people. Everyone turns a blind eye and encourages the victim to ‘manage’, offering prayers and sometimes, downright abuse upon the victim for speaking out about the injustice suffered.
There needs to be strong leadership on this matter from various people. From church leaders forbidding it to the President publicly condemning it. Then there need to be special courts to address the issues of battery. Consider how some house helps are treated as well. I am sure there are those who will say Nigeria has bigger issues to deal with, but I believe that there is no bigger issue than basic human and civil rights. And, furthermore, Nigeria no longer has the luxury of addressing one problem at a time. We must courageously adopt (as has already begun, I think) a complex approach to solving national ills, domestic violence, inluded.
Thanks for this post. I am enjoying this week of blogging because I am reading such insightful posts all over the place. Thanks!
NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS AO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE…
Violence against women and children is an issue that we are yet to truly address as a people. Everyone turns a blind eye and encourages the victim to ‘manage’, offering prayers and sometimes, downright abuse upon the victim for speaking out about the injustice suffered.
There needs to be strong leadership on this matter from various people. From church leaders forbidding it to the President publicly condemning it. Then there need to be special courts to address the issues of battery. Consider how some house helps are treated as well. I am sure there are those who will say Nigeria has bigger issues to deal with, but I believe that there is no bigger issue than basic human and civil rights. And, furthermore, Nigeria no longer has the luxury of addressing one problem at a time. We must courageously adopt (as has already begun, I think) a complex approach to solving national ills, domestic violence, inluded.
Thanks for this post. I am enjoying this week of blogging because I am reading such insightful posts all over the place. Thanks!
NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS AO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE…
domestic violence cuts across race, class, nationality, status – it is everywhere and nowwhere – no where in the sense that it is one of those hidden crimes like child sexual abuse. women do not talk about it and when they do they are in many instances silenced by other women. i wrote of my own experience here
http://www.blacklooks.org/2007/05/violence_against_women_do_something.html
it was not easy to write in such a space as a blog but i did. i must say i was a bit disappointed at the lack of discussion that the post got but there you go.
thanks for passing by
best
domestic violence cuts across race, class, nationality, status – it is everywhere and nowwhere – no where in the sense that it is one of those hidden crimes like child sexual abuse. women do not talk about it and when they do they are in many instances silenced by other women. i wrote of my own experience here
http://www.blacklooks.org/2007/05/violence_against_women_do_something.html
it was not easy to write in such a space as a blog but i did. i must say i was a bit disappointed at the lack of discussion that the post got but there you go.
thanks for passing by
best